Mallet Man!


Written by Amaya Zorifuki and is a completed piece.


One casual day, the unnamed apartment of randomness decided that things were too simple that day. To remedy that, it decided to put ideas into a certain someone’s head. Anyone who has heard of the strange apartment knows of the epitome of crazy.


The wild boy with the wild hair rushed over to his roommate Bob McKile, who had called him over for a very good reason.

“Why is there pudding on the ceiling fan?”

Eddie glanced up and the fan that was dripping in fat free chocolate pudding, along with the splatter on the wall that indicated someone turned it on. Eddie gave a puppy dog stare at his best friend.

“It had to be up there.” He said, “Or else the ceiling gnome would be mad and send the evil chickens to us.”

Bob sighed and put his hand over his eyes to keep a headache from coming on. One would think that Bob is used to things like this, but noooooooo, his crazy roommate finds more and more ways to be…Eddie.

“Okay, you’re cleaning this up. I want you to-”

Sadly, when Bob was nursing his developing headache, Eddie forgot what he was doing and decided to slip out of the room unnoticed. This left Bob alone in the room to clean up the mess.

“Eddie,” Bob seethed.

Speaking of the boy, Eddie had chosen to play in the lobby. He was using a couch cushion as a hat, when something outside drew his attention. It was small, round and shiny. It was a nickel! Eddie grinned and sprinted outside to pick it up.

As he bent over to pick it up, a nearby purse snatcher ran in his direction. The thief bumped into Eddie, knocking the coin out of his hands and into a sewer. Needless to say, he was quite disappointed. Therefore, he exacted his revenge with the use of his comically oversized mallet that appears out of nowhere and made contact with his noggin.

The purse-snatcher fell comically in a heap and Eddie began to mourn the loss of his shiny. The old lady from whom the purse was stolen walked over to him.

“Thank you young man, you’re a regular superhero.”

She plodded off as most senile old people do. But in her wake she had left Eddie thinking. A superhero eh? Think of the possibilities.

“So let it be from this day forth,” Eddie declared, “I shall be, MALLET MAN!” Yes, he likes to go off on random tangents, but this one takes the cake. “First, I need a hero costume, and there’s only one person who can do that for me.”

That person happened to be Bob’s cousin Sal Declan, who lived in the apartment with the others, and happened to be a witch. If anyone could make Eddie a superhero outfit in record time, it would be her.

“Saaaaaaaalllllll!” Eddie crooned, “Can you make me a superhero costume?”

The blonde girl was confused for a second, but then smiled at his innocence.

“Sure Eddie.” She said, “I don’t have much else to do, what’s the superhero name?”

“MALLET MAN!” Eddie said heroically.

“Mallet Man?”

“No, no, MALLET MAN! You gotta say it heroic, heroic!”

“Oh, right, MALLET MAN! Well I’ll see what I can whip up.”

Eddie thanked her and waited a good fifteen minutes. When Sal came out with the finished product, he cheered and ran out to put it to good use.

The outfit really wasn’t all that different from his usual attire of a red shirt, black pants and the occasional brown vest. It had those things plus a mask to hide his true identity, a mallet logo on the shirt to signify who he was, and a cape because capes are cool. Happy with his new guise, he went out into the city to fight crime.

(Note: At this point I’m going to be referring to Eddie as Mallet Man. Just for a while as he fights ‘crime’ in the city.)

He didn’t have to look far, near a small convenience store there was someone trying to get a cat out of a tree.

“Please come down mister fuzzy.” A stereotypical eight year old girl said with stereotypical tears.

“No need for panic good citizens! Mallet man is here!”

He landed in a standard hero fashion, cape flowing in the breeze. He whipped out his hammer and showed that tree who’s boss. The cat came flying out and landed in the little girls arms, clearly looking emotionally disturbed.

“Thank you Mallet man.” Said the little girl as he jumped off to find the nest thing to save.

He jumped in the direction of a grocery store, it was there that Saya Caelan the female roommate of Eddies worked. (Although we have never quite seen her actually work there.)

She was just standing there, halfway doing her job but in reality watching a co-worker struggle to check something out. The scanner seemed to be busted, and the person buying was being quite rude, when-

“No fear, Mallet man is here!”

Saya didn’t have to look to know who it was. She knew that voice anywhere.


He heard her and immediately shushed her. “My secret identity must never be revealed.”

Saya wasn’t sure what was going through his head, but decided to play along. “Gotcha.”

He then moved over to the harried employee, scanned everything quickly and then bonked the rude guy over the head. The cashier began to weep with joy.

“Thank you Mallet Man.”

He leapt off, and found trouble really quickly.

A group of kids was watching a chicken prepare to cross the road, when he leapt up and spooked it right into the traffic. Those watching learned that not many people brake for chickens. A nearby girl watching asked why he did that.

“Well my dear,” He told her, “That chicken was plotting to take over the world be sending a beacon to the leaders.”

“I see,” the girl said.

Mallet man spent another few minutes explaining how the chickens were evil and planned to take over the world by any mean necessary.

“So by destroying the spy,” Mallet Man concluded, “I have ensured the safely of our fair earth.”

The girl, and group of people who had gathered to listen, applauded his bravery. “Thank you Mallet Man.” They said as they cheered.

“No need to thank me.” He said back, and ran off yelling, “Mallet away!”

He had gone a few more blocks, when the sound of sirens reached his ears and people seemed to be gathering.

Meanwhile, and a few minutes later.

Back at the apartment, Bob had just finished cleaning the pudding, when his neighbor and resident gamer Karl Tameron burst in with the female cat Fred on his heels.

“Dude, you won’t believe this!”

Bob gave him a critical look but allowed him to continue.

“Okay, se me and Fred were playing Super Smash Bros. And I was whooping her tail-OW, okay I was getting owned, and I decided to take a break so I turned on the news to see what was up and you won’t believe what I saw. Err, do you know where Eddie is?”

“Uh, no.” Bob glanced over and noticed Sal heading out somewhere. “Sal, do you know where Eddie is?”

She shrugged, “Probably out playing superhero somewhere.”


“Yeah, he asked me to make him a superhero costume.”

While they discussed the inane one’s whereabouts, Karl switched on the TV. The news was playing and the cousins stopped when they heard the anchorman.

“A real life superhero has graced out presence. Known only as Mallet man, he recently stopped a bank robbery armed only with a mallet and his bravery.”

Bob gawked at the screen, “You have got to be kidding me.”

“‘He saved me from a wild bloodthirsty chicken.’” The girl whom Eddie had explained chickens to said on the screen “‘He’s a Hero.’”

The little girl with the cat popped up next, “‘He likes Kitties!’” She hoisted the poor cat and shook him in front of the camera.

The apartment kids watching the news were even more surprised when Saya appeared on the screen, “‘Uh, he’s got a mallet?’” She said, as though not wanting to say anything else.

“Mallet man had this to say.” The screen switched over to a shot of Mallet man standing near a crowd, “‘I just hope that there’s a little mallet man in all of you.’”

The anchor man actually wiped away a tear, “Well said, I hope we see more of Mallet man in the future. But in the meantime I would like to say, from all of us, ‘Thank you Mallet Man, thank you.’”

It went to a commercial, leaving the other apartment members speechless. Just then, the possibly bi, newest member of the team and former circus star, Jason Saskia walked in carrying a bag of fast food.

“Hey, look what I got at Burger King.” (Burger king rules over Mickey D’s!) He pulled out some miniature mallet toys that came with the kids meal, “They go squeaky, aren’t they cute?”

And that is the story of how Jason go his mini hammer toys. I’m kidding, and the actual conclusion goes something like this. (I must warn you though, it contains jokes that you might not get and me being mean to a few of them. I love them but their so easy to tease.)

What happened afterward

Eddie remained as Mallet Man a few more weeks, until the galactic league of Super People forced him to retire due to long term mental anguish. Though he still fights chickens to the bitter end.

Bob decided to draw and sell Mallet Man comics on EBay, he was later fined for trying to sell his accent on the site a few days later.

Sal continues with witchcraft and started an internet forum for alternative witches.

Saya dominated the supermarket in a hostile takeover, it changed to a Japanese food mart and has been renamed Saya-mart. Saya-mart moved up the grocery chain ladder in record numbers.

Karl got fat.

Fred the cat took her talents to greater heights and became to first cat governor of Oregon. She became more popular then the Californian governor.

Jason continued to collect mini hammers and other fast food toys. He later sold his collection for eighty thousand dollars and then donated the money to the society for gay clowns.

Kyran and the bad guys did not appear in this fanfiction, as there was no place to put them.